Feelings are not words.

With the New Year approaching, I cannot ignore the smell of a new beginning. This time I've started thinking of my regret list early. I want a clean slate. Why do I say this every year? I cannot believe there is nothing I want to remember, to carry with me from one year to the next. All those past events, all those regrets, mistakes, lessons not learnt. Maybe this year I will finally send all the letters I've written. I can offer people the choice of being by my side once the new year begins or being left behind, like so many have been before. I realized tonight I've been the coward all along. When relationships got complicated, I destroyed them. Destruction has always been my solution. I just sever the ties that hold me and another together. As soon as a relation faces a difficulty, I chose to take the easy way out, find a replacement. Bunny, as always, is the exception. Who do I write to? Sunshine? Maybe I'll confess to him my own faults and those of us, tell him what I think of our miserable attempt at being together, forcing a relationship, constantly trying to prove something, who know what, to one another. I'll write to the friend who stuck by my side, and maybe I won't even throw accusations, I won't tell him I occasionally get my because he doesn't put me first, because he likes another girl, because he's not good enough for me, because he can never say the words I want to hear. I'll just thank him for being there and being himself, for listening to my endless rants, for his honesty, for smarting me up.
Do I write to the one friend I've had for over four years now? Do I tell her how I sometimes think we're only friends when we're apart? Do I tell her that her miserable attitude annoys me, that her constant hating of everyone and everything disturbs me? Do I hold her responsible for never offering any comfort? Do I tell her I sometimes feel as if she's only my friend for entertainment purposes, that our whole friendship is based on mutual benefits? Do I blame her for not sharing herself with me, for the fact that even now, after we've been friends for years, I still feel as if I don't know anything about her? Do I write to my new friend, the one who appeared right when I needed him, who carefully moved my hair from my eyes on the bus back home, who makes me laugh, who, for once, makes me feel understood, assures me that it's ok to be myself? Do I tell him he is the first guy I met since bunny whom I don't want to hurt? Do I tell him I could never love him? That I can't fully trust him because I know all his admiration for me is just a result of his liking for me, because his feelings blind him? Do I tell him he could never be my boyfriend, because of who he is, the qualities he lacks? Do I tell him that despite knowing we most likely won't be together I still want to be close to him, because he makes me feel important, appreciated, and all the other things sunshine fails to make me feel? Do I write to all the others, to tell them our relationship is temporary, that soon I will no longer need them, that they are all just props? Do I write to the one who used to be my best, closest friend for years? Do I tell him how I feel? What seems like an eternity ago, he muttered three words that tore us apart. We couldn't be lovers, we couldn't be friends, we didn't know what to be anymore. Do I tell him how, suddenly, I thought maybe he was the one for me? How that scared me to death? How I didn't know what to do, how to act, and therefore did the one thing I can do best and I hurt him? Do I confess I still love him, and that I miss our friendship, miss laying my head of his knees and unravelling my deepest feelings? Do I try to make him understand that I still don't know what I did wrong, what sort of horrible crime I've committed to make him determinatively turn his back on me? Do I tell him I've forgiven him everything, except acting the same way bunny did, walking away and denying my very own existence? Oh, and bunny, my beloved bunny, the essence of my being, do I write to him too? Do I tell him how even now, almost a year later, every song is about him? Do I tell him I never really moved on? Do I tell him when I close my eyes it's him I see? Do I confess that he's the only one my body desires? Do I share with him that he is all my heart longs for? Do I write down all the ways in which I miss him everyday? Do I admit to him my fear of never feeling the same way with anyone, because I firmly believe he is my true love, the only one who makes me feel whole? Do I tell him how sometimes when I do something, or go something, I picture in my head how it would be different if he way with me, imaging how my life would be if we were together? Do I tell him I will love him until the day I die?
All these people and others, all these letters unsent, words unsaid, all these unanswered questions, how do I find relief? How do I let go, cease to be so retrospective?

Last night I was contemplating about how I never got the chance to grow up with one group of friends, I constantly had to change, to build friendships on shaky foundations, soon to crumble. I look at pictures of other people and their group of friends, the ones they grew up with, the ones who they know and trust, who they can rely on, and I am filled with jealousy at the chance I never got, filled with anger at the parents who took me away from the life I had and threw me into a new one, unfamiliar, forcing me to survive on my own. I changed countries and high schools a few times, and as a result, I cannot maintain a steady, ongoing relationship. I never know what I want, afraid to commit to one thing out of fear it will be taken from me. Sooner or later I start feeling unsatisfied, irritated, with everything from my hair color to my friends. Defence mechanism or royal screw up, I don't know. I just want, for once, to find something that's right for me, something I can hold on to, something that will not disappoint me. Something I won't have to turn away from.

I don't know how to be. I don't know how to live. My laughter never comes from the inside anymore, my feelings are all forced, every emotion is an excuse. My life stagnates, I don't learn anything new. I feel like I am bound to be eternally sixteen, hateful, confused, bitter, and wishful. I feel as if all I do is crawl slowly forward, burdened by the misery of my existence, weighted down by my mistakes, all of which are lessons unlearned, hoping to one day find comfort and some peace of mind. Until then, I wait, living from one day to another.

The stars lean down to kiss you,
And I lie awake and I miss you,
Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere.
Cause I'll doze off safe and soundly,
But I'll miss your arms around me
I'll send a postcard to you dear,
Cause I wish you were here.

I watch the night turn light blue,
But it's not the same without you,
Because it takes two to whisper quietly,
The silence isn't so bad,
Till I look at my hands and feel sad,
Cause the spaces between my fingers
Are right where yours fit perfectly.

I'll find opposing new ways,
Though I haven't slept in two days,
Cause cold nostalgia chills me to the bone.
But drenched in Vanilla twilight,
I'll sit on the front porch all night,
Waist deep in thought because
When I think of you.
I don't feel so alone.
As many times as I blink I'll think of you.
I'll think of you tonight.
When violet eyes get brighter,
And heavy wings grow lighter,
I'll taste the sky and feel alive again.
And I'll forget the world that I knew,
But I swear I won't forget you,
Oh if my voice could reach back through the past,
I'd whisper in your ear,
Oh darling, I wish you were here.

There is nothing exciting about being sick for a week, but the worst part is coming back and realizing I was missed by no one. I got a few compliments on my new dark hair, which was nice, but I still don't know what I wanted to accomplish by dying it. I wish I was pretty, or at least good looking. I don't care what anyone says - looks do matter, and all I got now is a little boy's cut and a flat chest. I am superficial like that, I hate people who wear running shoes and have a only one brow, and soon I am going to the dermatologist to remove a beauty mark because I'd like to believe it will make me more attractive. I don't know why lately I've become so preoccupied with my looks, maybe it's because I have no one to tell me I am beautiful, but I think regardless of the specific reason it all comes down to my low self esteem. There is a little over a month left until the end of the semester, and I am starting to feel the pressure more than ever because this time I have no choice but to do well, my future depends on it. I learned about “learned hopelessness” in psychology today, about how after a few failed attempts people just give up, and it occurred to me that this is exactly what I do. The teacher didn't offer any magical solutions to that problem, he just said one must find within a will to try harder despite difficulties and past failures. Ha. Another thing that's been on my mind in the last while is work. I have refrained from working during school time since entering college, and last job I had was this summer, where I met sunshine, and my money is running out. I want new inks and other instant gratifications. I thought about applying for a job where bunny works. It is knows as a good place for students and I even have a few acquaintances who work there. I mean, bunny and I broke up 8 months ago, no one would suspect the main reason for my desire to work there is the opportunity to see his lovely face more often. I probably won't get the job, and it's probably what I deserve for having such questionable motives for wanting to work there.
No rant would be complete without complaining about love. I completely gave up on sunshine, I have lost all will to make this mess into a working relationship. When I met the saint and he bunny, I got an intense feeling inside of me, as if every atom of me was screaming “he is the one”. Listening to that voice is responsible for inciting two of the best things that have ever happened to me. That wasn't the case with sunshine, and I didn't pay much attention to it, but last night, once again unable to fall asleep, I recalled how a long time ago my friend asked me if I would ever consider being with someone with whom I haven't gotten that feeling. Thinking about it now, after being with a guy that fits that criterion, I see that ignoring my gut feeling is a senseless thing to aspire for, since clearly the only possible relationships happen with those guys who excite every part of my body. So I've made a decision to not betray myself by throwing myself at the first nice, willing guy, but to wait for that special one who will cause my whole body to shiver.
Although I must say, I worry greatly that it won't happen any time soon due to the unresolved issues I have with bunny. Then again, I shouldn't preoccupy myself with such nonsense. Winter is a good time to be alone, and when the time is right, love will come knocking at my door. Until then I must remain patient and channel my thoughts towards more urgent things like my grades and my job hunt.

J'y'ai jamais dit “je t'aime” tout court
Je rajoute toujours quelque chose après
C'est comme ça qu'on voit si on est en amour
“Je t'aime beaucoup” ça fait moins vrai


I spent about forty-five minutes today on a site called healmybrokenheart.com. Sad, I know, but it made me understand that only I have the power to overcome this. I know it sounds like a load of crap, but it's true. I don't think I've ever tried to move on; I always just rather sit and sulk, because it's easier, and it's a great excuse to be miserable. My friend said I think too much about relationships. Another friend said I complain too much. A third said I am impossible to keep up with because I never know what I know.
I realize more and more every day how I never loved sunshine. I say it, but the words have lost their meaning a long time ago, when love couldn't save me anymore.
Those thoughts are taking up too much space in my head, space that should be occupied by notions of electric fields and psychological research, but I can't help but asking myself what's next.
I've considered surrendering to the guy who used to be my best friend for years, before confessing his love, dooming our friendship by doing so. My mom asked if I am in love with him, and I answered that maybe love will come eventually. It's hard to explain that I don't believe in love anymore. I've disappointed him, and this morning when he asked why do I hurt, I simply said “because I can”. Maybe I should go see him, hug him tightly and ask for forgiveness, explain to him that I mess up because I don't know how to be anymore, my entire notion of relationships has been shattered, and all I really want is to be happy again.
Thursday, I will see the guy who initially stirred up my relationship with bunny. I'll put my arms around his neck and tell him I want something more, something beyond an occasional smoke between classes. I'll look him in the eyes and say how he's known me for a month now, seen my highs and lows, seen how I interact with his friends and how I am when we're alone, felt my hand in his and my head on his chest, he knows some of the little things about me, like that I don't enjoy team sports or that I like two sugars in my tea, and I think all that is enough for him to know by now what he wants, and if he's still in doubt, I'll kiss him on the cheek and walk away.
Later that day, I'll see sunshine, and we'll fuck until all our problems are solved, at least for the most part, because honestly what I need is to feel something that is physically strong enough to take over my emotions, and I refuse to cut myself, so the next form of physical relief is sex.
Sunshine writes me letters saying how he knows he can't make me happy, and on the phone he tells me how he's terrified of upsetting me because seeing me sad breaks his heart, and he says how he just wants me close, and all that is enough to move me. The way I feel when we kiss, when everything's alright, is the fuel firing this destructive relationship. Soon enough we'll explode.

I can write without caring. Words don't mean much nowadays anyways. I can write without worrying about spelling and grammatically-correct phrases, not worrying about commas, questions marks and exclamation points. Most people write to remember. I write to forget. The thoughts escape me once my fingers hit the keyboard and the words form sentences telling stories about events that may or may have not taken place.
So I'll write what I want, without caring about whose feelings might get hurt or whose frown will turn a smile.
Sunshine and I meet up last night, and ten minutes into our rendez vous my eyes are tearing and my cheeks are stained with black mascara. I throw accusations and cry about how no matter what I do I never feel like I am enough for him. Walking down the street, I am still furious and he has already given up so I mutter something about why I prefer other guys. “Lover I don't have to love” is playing when we walk into the bar and I couldn't have picked a better song. Two beers and fifty apologies later, we make up. A few more beers after that, and we leave the bar, tired and drunk, lighting up a cigarette and walking hand in hand breathing in the night air, rain drops falling on our faces but we don't mind, we're perfectly careless.
Fast forward a couple of hours. He wraps his hands around me and I rest my head on his shoulder and begin to cry, thinking about the misery of existence. He kisses away my tears and I apologize for blaming him for some one else's mistake. We get off at my stop and I am still crying, so he sits me on his lap and asks me to tell him about the darkness inside me. So I say I am not over bunny, never will be, and I will forever seek in other guys what he and I had.
(Last night, I opened the drawer where all my souvenirs are kept, and I looked at the letters the saint wrote me, thinking about how I used to feel about him but I no longer do, and I finally understood how bunny said he just doesn't feel the smae anymore. I could see how much I meant to him, how I was his entire world. And now I mean nothing to him. How does this happen?)
I told him how I am afraid that no one will ever love me like bunny did, and especially him, selfish as he is. He told me he cannot relate and therefore prefers to say nothing. So I went home, and the soaking rain made me realize how I have doomed yet another relationship.
And today, he calls and says he cannot make it tomorrow. I cannot do this anymore. I give almost everything I have, and get nothing in return. I feel worthless, because when I meet a guy he easily falls for me but is so fast to give up. I just don't understand why I am never good enough, and I hate this hopelessness, this constant misery, this self-abuse. I feel like cutting and drinking and swallowing pills all over again, and I need to stop purposely hurting myself, even if not physically, and to not blame myself for every thing that is wrong. I need someone to love me more than I love him, to devote himself to me, to give me butterflies and make me feel like the most important person in the world. I want to know that this pain I feel, that aching emptiness inside of me can go away, that I can say “I love you” and mean it with all the heart I have left. I need a guy who will fight over me and not give up when complications arise. I don't need flowers or chocolates, I just need someone to take my hand and tell me that he loves me and that we're in it together, for better or for worse. I need to know true love exists, and that it conquers everything, and that even someone like me can have it.
I thought sunshine was making me a better person but now I see that all he did was make me something I am not. The first thing he told me was that he is not a commitment guy, and I laughed it off. Then I saw that he wasn't lying, but at the same time I saw a different side of him, a side he has been hiding from himself and from everyone else, his caring, loving side. I catch a glimpse of that part of him every once in a while, like when he's breathless after we kiss, when he looks at me from across the table at dinner with love-struck eyes, when we're having sex and all of the sudden he slides his fingers between mine and holds my hand so firmly, as if he never wants to let go, or when tells me he love me so much he's afraid he will combust. But things like that happen only once in a while, and the rest of the time feels like a constant struggle to find that in the selfish, self-absorbed guy he usually is, and I am worn out, tired of this never-ending battle, tempted to do what hurts me the most when done to me: give up. Not on him, because I believe in him, but on us, this destructive relationship who isn't making either of us happy anymore.
I never loved him as I should. I feel like I caught him off guard, forced him into the a relationship because I was trying to fill the void bunny left in me, never taking the time to really know him until I was already hands deep into a relationship. That was my biggest mistake and for that I am sorry. If I hadn't done so, I would have saved both of us tremendous amounts of pain and disappointment. I wanted to make his first love great, but in order for love to be great it has to be mutual. I think the right thing to do, now that I know this, is to cut the rope from which we're both hanging. I believe in him and his ability to love unconditionally, I believe we can be great together and I believe in second chances. With time, if he feels ready to try again, if I am free of bunny and everything he represents, I will welcome him with arms wide open. Right now, this is us on a page that was written on and then erased, and I feel he deserves a new page, a blank page, to fill as we wish instead of trying to rewrite what's been there before.
Maybe my friend is right, and I need to be alone for a while, figure out precisely what I want instead of taking wild guesses and shooting in every direction in hopes of hitting. Winter is a long, cold season, and I worry that I cannot face it alone. But I've got a few close people and some books that should be read.
I can get over bunny, and move on. Turn the page instead of erasing over and over.

"My eyelids are heavy, and the night's wearing on
Your story's familiar, and your innocence is gone
We'd burn like the morning then break like a heart
Fall in love without warning just to fall back apart
All fevered and blistered, with nothing at stake
I feel the warmth of his whisper, and the cold of my mistakes"

"I've made you so happy and so sad,
But which should I be more sorry for?
Come kiss my face goodbye,
that space below my eye and above my cheek
Cause I'm faint and fading fast, I see a darkness
And I shall be released.
I'll pass like a fever from this body,
And softly slip into his hands
I tried to love you and I failed,
But I have another plan."

The party's over. She's standing in the doorway, wearing a black mini dress and black high heels, her black eyeliner smudged forming large circles around her green eyes, adding a shade of darkness to the hopeless look she is giving me. She just stands and looks at me, saying nothing, and I can see her chest going up and down and hear her heart beat. This unbearable silence is what we have been reduced to. I get up slowly, my eyes locked into hers, and without looking away I turn on the stereo and it plays the song she hates. Her expression remains unchanged, and I sing along, whispering at first, then louder, until I am screaming the words and tears fill her eyes. Her eyes were what got me in the first place. Two years ago I saw her for the first time when she looked up after the long white line disappeared and I knew right there all I will ever want is to look into those green eyes. And now, her standing in the doorway to my room, broken and bruised, and me screaming the lyrics with anguish, there isn't anything left to be said, so we just stare.
After the song ends her black nails start pulling down at the zipper of her dress, and there she is, my Venus, my everything, standing in her underwear with tears rolling down her face leaving streams of black and my breathing gets heavier so I come closer and fall to my knees wrapping my hands around her tiny waist, kissing her bellybutton. Her hands reach down, caressing my hair, pulling off my white t-shirt, then gently grabbing my hand and leading me to the bed.
The first ray of sun invades my room and I wake up to an empty bed.

Months have passed, seasons have changed, and I am still not over you, and this means:
-To think of you at least once a day
-To find ways to bring you up in almost every conversation, even if the topic has nothing to do with you
-To check your schedules and pass by your hangout places, in hopes of catching a glimpse of you
-To not be able to fall in love again
-To replay in my mind, even after all this time, our last conversations
-To imagine all the things that could have been said differently
-To look for similarities between you and other guys I meet
-To dream about you at night (you and I standing in the hall, distanced, surrounded by couples. I approach and say “why can't we..” but you turn around and walk away, not listening to my voice trailing off saying “be together too”)
-To hear, again and again, how I am still in love with my ex, to lie that I am not while knowing deep inside it isn't true
- To feel your presence and know you are near before my eyes perceive you
-To listen to my friends saying how immature and pathetic you are, to agree, but to want you anyway
-To see everything you don't do, like talk or look at me, as a sign that it hurts you
-To convince myself you are miserable without me
-To try so hard to forget you, and to fail all over again with every sunrise

I doubt it is you I am in love with. It is rather the idea of you, the love we had, the relationship that in my mind was ideal despite its flaws, the way you made me feel, all of those emotions resurface every time I see you, and I try so hard to forget, to move on, but I cannot do so until you and I talk, and sort everything out, and until I can look at you and feel nothing, see you without shaking like I do now, shaking with uncontrolled desire to caress your face, to kiss your forehead, to see you smile at me. I do not know how to ease this pain, how to make the burden carried around in my heart lighter, how to put out the burning inside of me, this fire of longing, how to sooth the aching in my head, the trembling that takes over my body when I am near you, I feel so hopeless when you look right through me. I was sitting on the stairs smoking a cigarette with a guy who will never be half as good as you when he stretched his arm to point in the direction where you were walking alongside a girl he claimed was your new girlfriend, and I fought the urge to take out my glasses and look at the luckiest girl in the world. He said she's weird and unattractive, and that was merely enough to comfort me, but I put my glasses away and firmly said I do not care, I am definitely over you, and he just chuckled and asked if I was any more over you than I was last week, when my body trembled and my heart raced after I spend less than a minute standing close(but not close enough) to you. I feel so pathetic, dramatic, obsessive, ashamed, vulnerable, and it is all because of you, your blank stares, the spell you cast on my almost a year ago which refuses to wear off. At the sight of you I am torn inside, I want to fall down on my knees and cry out to you, beg you to love me or to release me, to kiss me or to explain to me where did we go wrong. I like to pretend that your failing grades and your drugs and shady friends are cries for help, that you cannot be without me, you need me as much as I need you, this world makes no sense without you, you made everything nearly perfect and then you took it all away with just a few words, and I feel so lost now, the past few months I haven't been myself, I cannot let go no matter how hard I try, and this isn't fair, because I have been punished enough for all the pain I caused you, so why can't you forgive me and look me in the eyes? One day I will master he courage to walk up to you and scream in your face that you are nothing, you cannot man up and face me, you are rude and immature, you are the best I've ever had, and I will never forgive you for taking your love away from me and worse, for not telling me why. I wan to put my arms around you, to gets lost in your embrace and feel the world make sense again.

This is tragic.